10 Ways that Traditionis Custodes Saved the Church
An Op-Ed by "Cardinal Günter Schuster" of Düsseldorf, Germany
It’s the fifth anniversary—as of last Thursday—of the most important document in the history of the Church.
Most people, even faithful followers of the Spirit of Vatican II and the Spirit of Francis, don’t realize how important it was, but Traditionis Custodes (TC) literally singlehandedly saved the Church. It’s more important than Fiducia Supplicans, than the whole process of synodality, or even Vatican II itself.
Without TC, would there even be a Church today? Personally, I doubt it. Few realize how dark the reality of the Church was in 2021, and still, in the dark rumors of certain bishops calling for so-called “clemency for trads” could still be.
Look at all these scary maps of all the locations where there were, take a breath, I know this is hard to say: TLMs!
Take another deep breath before you ponder the fact that under the previous regime of Benedict, err Ratzinger, it was all set to get a lot worse. That guy was letting TLMs take over, literally. And a German like myself no less. Such a traitor to the cause.
While strong progress has been made in the last five years, especially in places like Detroit and Charlotte in the United States, there are dark rumors floating around about a man named Bishop Varden being made prefect of the Dicastery for Liturgy. Pope Leo is also being a lot weaker on enforcement of TC than he should be, and traditionalists are openly defying TC and calling for its overthrow.
With this in mind, and with lots of moderate Catholics being mind-tricked into being against TC, it’s more important than ever to emphaize how much positive good TC did for the Church, how it saved us from a very, very dark fascist authoritatian future filled with Latin, incense, devotion, and, even worse, unemployment for Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion, reduced profits for GIA Press, and scary things called “vocations”.
So let’s reflect on all the ways TC saved us from this dark future, the ten reasons why TC saved the Catholic Church.
Traditionis Custodes flattened the curve of Latin Masses. I know this is obvious. But think about it this way. It was the most effective means of social distancing ever accomplished. We went from this scary curve to this less scary curve. SOCIAL DISTANCING THE WORLD FROM LATIN MASSES WORKED.
Traditionis Custodes made some trads mad. Happy trads scare people like me. We don’t like that. Therefore, TC saved me from happy trads because I got happy instead of them getting happy and it therefore saved the Church because I’ve defined the Church as synodality, and synodality would be a lot weaker with all these fascist, authoritarian happy trads around. We had to crush them.
Traditionis Custodes kept Andrea Grillo employed. An unemployed Andrea Grillo is basically the end of the world or the end of the Church as I want it to be, so therefore TC saved the Church. And yes, if Grillo was unemployed, he might have been forced to burn the Church down.
The German bishops had discovered that the traditionalists were secretly plotting to use large numbers of children and the retention of them in the faith to literally take over the Church demographically over the course of several generations. TC was literally the Church’s only hope.
Latin Masses are conducted in buildings, usually. Buildings are hooked up to the electrical grid and use energy, especially when people are in them, as happens a lot when there are Latin Masses. This causes climate change. Therefore, Traditionis Custodes saved the planet by ending these carbon-producing events, and therefore it saved the Church.
Rad trads, according to two anonymous sources that reached out to my chancery, were planning to use the basements of diocesan parishes to fake the moon landings. This would have discredited the Catholic Church, still reeling as it is from the Galileo affair, in the eyes of the world. TC ended this totally real threat.
Traditionalists, under the previous regime, Summorum Pontificum, were producing lots of vocations. This threatened the financial stability of the Church’s business model because it could no longer sell of seminaries and monasteries as planned. TC eliminated this threat. Hooray for TC!
The traditionalists were two weeks away from a nuclear weapon. Obviously we had to launch a preemptive strike.
The FBI told us that people involved in January 6th were present at a Latin Mass. Since January 6th was the “most deadliest day” ever, this means that thwarting the kinds of people involved in an event like that takes precedence over any other priority.
Just look at this picture. It’s literally the end of the world or something. Can’t have that interfering wth the Church as we moderns understand it. We’re past all those medieval misunderstandings. Thanks again for saving us from these horrifying displays of grace and reverence.
This article was satire, as I hope was obvious. May it be overturned.
TC literally saved the world. Literally. Like, it completely redirected the asteroid that was Trads being so serious about the Catholic Faith.
IIT, or Everette, or Whomever - You're absolutely right! I had no idea just how important TC was/is. I've heard the revolution, I mean reform, is dying. This gives me hope!
Thanks very much!