Archbishop Vigano Working With Elon Musk to Attempt to Purchase the Catholic Church
Other Potential Bidders May Wreak Havoc With Their Proposal
Archbishop Vigano, a conservative prelate and former apostolic nuncio to the United States, who became famous and was excommunicated after writing many public letters complaining about actions of the Pope and other high ranking bishops, may have an easy way back into the Church according to leaked intel obtained by IIT. As billionaire Elon Musk is about to step back from his role running the newfound Department of Government of Efficiency (D.O.G.E), it seems he’s looking for “other business opportunities to invest in and take over.”
One of those opportunities, it appears, per our analysis of leaked communications between Vigano and Musk, is the Catholic Church, which, as Vigano suggested to Musk, due to the archbishop’s prior experience attempting to reform the Holy See’s finances, “is cash strapped and in need of new management.”
“You could probably pick it up for less than you paid for Twitter,” he wrote to Musk. “Put me in charge and I’ll turn it around and make it profitable for you.”
Vigano, who has again long clashed with Pope Francis and much of the hierarchy, is viewed by many other schismatic sedevacantists as their top choice to run the Church, a fact which he argues makes him really the only person who could have the job.
“Do what you did to Twitter. Fire all the priests and bishops who don’t do any real work or evangelization. Put me in charge and I’ll have it cranking out priests and vocations again, just you watch.”
Musk is “intrigued” by the proposal, as the idea that he could use the Catholic Church’s resources to boost his other companies’ goals, as with his aspiration to reach Mars, “seems promising.”
“Just imagine if we had every monastery out there cranking out heat tiles for the Starship,” he pondered.
"If you bought the Church, you could be the new Charlemagne or Duke William I of Aquitaine but with data centers instead of scriptoriums,” responded Vigano, attempting to sweeten Musk on the deal.
While Elon Musk doesn’t have any public religious faith and Archbishop Vigano is a current excommunicate, Vigano argues that it “won’t be a problem.”
“Once I’m in charge, I’ll un-excommunicate myself and then we’ll load you up with dispensations for your lives. I’ll ask you to repent of course, but the good you’ll be doing for the Church and for me outweighs a multitude of faults.” he added.
The Pope has not yet commented on these rumors but Vatican press office employees we managed to reach just told us that “the Church is not for sale.”
Some traditionalists have supported the rumored acquisition, hoping that “a modern day Charles V figure like Musk could do what is necessary to turn the Church around.” But most are opposed. “Buy it? Like the whole Church?” queried a confused Samuel Pius Tentherson Sr. “How would that work?” How would God allow or want that to happen?
Dr. Taylor Marshall, while generally positive on Vigano, “hopes this deal won’t happen, as if Musk gets away with buying the Church, then anyone could, and we don’t want to open up the can of worms of the Church’s enemies owning it when we’ve already had such terrible problems of infiltration.”
At press time, however, Archbishop Vigano has put the potential deal on pause while he seeks out several more bishops who can clandestinely and conditionally “re-ordain” and “re-consecrate him.”
Elon Musk is now looking into entering into a consortium purchase agreement instead with the Society of St. Pius X (SSPX), Peter Thiel, and Mark Zuckerberg. However, this potential deal also faces complications as the SSPX is facing its own hostile takeover offer from the “SSPX Resistance” which is simultaneously attempting to purchase the SSPV and CMRI and form a traditionalist mega-conglomerate large enough to eventually purchase the Catholic Church itself.
Perhaps, as one bishop remarked two centuries ago to Napoleon, the same is also true today: “We, the Catholic clergy, have done our best to destroy the church for the last 1,800 years. We have not succeeded, and neither will you be able to buy it out nor take it over.”