The Complete Guide to Lenten Practices
From Fr. James Martin to Taylor Marshall and from the Orthodox to Donald Trump, Here's What Everyone Is Telling You to Do for Lent.
Lent is coming.
It’s the penitential season marked out for you to prepare your heart for the Church’s highest feast of Easter. We can all agree on that, at least.
But how should you do so? Is it with prayer, fasting, and almsgiving? And if so, in what ways? In what amounts? You don’t always get the clearest answers from your priest, and not many have any strongly lived tradition they remember to fall back on, so Lent coming means a difficult set of choices every year. Opinions strongly differ amongst Christians and even amidst Catholics on this matter, so we here at Irkutsk Ice Truckers News are here to help, to detail, compare, and contrast all the ways people from Fr. James Martin to Taylor Marshall and from Donald Trump to Ortho-bro Russian Orthodox would suggest you practice mortification and grow in holiness throughout Lent.
We’ve interviewed dozens of people so you don’t have to and came up with this collection of all their answers:
Joe Biden (46th President of the United States): Lent is, uhh, you know, uhh, uhh, the thing.
Taylor Marshall (Catholic theologian, writer, and podcaster): It’s simple. Here’s what the practice of the Church has always been. Black fast, or no food on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, and don’t eat until 3 pm all other days. No meat during Lent at all. Maybe you can eat earlier on Sundays, but ensure you follow the traditional fasting before Mass. Also, don’t eat on your three-hour drive back from your local Latin Mass parish. But if you do have to eat for the sake of safety on the roads, keep it to three-week-old or more dry bread. That’s the traditional practice.
Fr. James Martin (S.J.): Lent is a time for breaking the boundaries of the every day. It’s a time for, shall we say, building a bridge to our underappreciated folx of every stripe. Perhaps, during Lent, the spirit is calling you to, well, you know, do the gay stuff. Umm, well, yes, I think it is. I’d say that Lent is a second Pride Month, and the right way to celebrate is the rainbow way. But of course, make sure you’re enjoying yourself as well, so, well you know, just enjoy yourself."
Cyprian Russell of Sioux Falls (Orthodox catechumen and Twitch streamer): The Orthodox way has always been preached by the Holy Synod and practiced by the faithful. Great Lent begins on Monday, March 3rd, and requires you to fast every day of Lent. No food. We also began a few weeks back with Meatfare Sunday and Cheesefare Sunday on giving up meat and cheese and are already on bread and water alone. We’ll cut off food entirely on Monday and also will only drink water on Sundays. Also, do more theosis. And don’t call it Lent. Call it Great Lent.
Fr. David Anderson (Byzantine-Rite chaplain at Wyoming Catholic College)
See the footnote on the last five-week schedule posted here:
Also, see our article:
Fr. David Takes Over Frassati Hall
Lander, WY - Fr. David Anderson, Wyoming Catholic College’s Byzantine chaplain started expanding his role at the school last semester as he began teaching theology to freshmen and juniors. But now a semester later and barely a year-and-a-half since he first came to the college, the Byzantine chaplain and renowned theologian and translator of Patristic w…
Susan from the Parish Council: We hold some great fundraisers for the Parish Council’s tab at Bunkee’s Bar during Lent. I’d advise that you donate to this great cause. Also, you should sign this petition in support of married priests. We also have a great Bingo Night and sumptuous all-you-can-eat fish fries during Lent. They support the renovation of the Bishop’s residence and adding a pool behind his garage. Come, do come, young man.
Jordan Peterson: Well, the Western Tradition has numerous references to Lent throughout its greatest works that all seem to suggest a dichotomy between the tale of the dragon and the tale of the Exodus from the wilderness. To reconcile the terror in oneself over the idea of God and make the Biblical exegetical journey within your own heart, you need to start with remembering that at your core, you share a lot with lobsters. Lobsters have a psychological drive for status that you share. That’s why you need to start by cleaning your room. Then, after standing up straight with your shoulders back, perhaps you can think about how the idea of resurrection inspires you to correct Hegel’s metaphysical error and slay the dragon.
J.D. Vance (Vice President of the United States): Did you ever know what Aquinas said in the Summa Theologiae Secunda Secundae, Question 147? Read it!
Brother Peter Dimond (monk at Most Holy Family Monastery and co-writer at vaticancatholic.com): Hello, this is Brother Peter Dimond of vaticancatholic.com. During Lent, you need to become a Traditional Catholic This means you need to stop going to Mass and instead baptize yourself, donate to our monastery, and start watching our videos. That’s the only way during Lent, and every other time, to not be damned to hell. Also, call the Pope the antichrist at least five times a day. Did I mention that you need to watch our videos? Also, you’re a heretic!
Marcus Gardner (motorcycle enthusiast and former columnist at IIT): It’s all about making sure you get the ashes on Ash Wednesday. I’d say contact the priests at your parish before Lent starts and pick out your favorite type.
Get your favorite ash mark tattooed on you if you can! Also, fasting is uhh, difficult and stuff, so I’d start small and work upwards. Start by giving up candy the first week and then progress to Black Fasts by the end.
RedeemedZoomer (Presbyterian YouTuber): Lent is a traditional practice of all Christians. This means that all Christians ought to prepare for Easter with fasting. However, taking it too seriously and literally would make you a Pelagian. I suggest you take it lightly. Perhaps do exactly what John Knox suggested in this commentary on the Scot’s Confession. I appreciate the intellectualism of his approach. I’d suggest you check out my map of where you can find a Presbyterian Church that’s suffering from liberalism and join it to take it back.
Donald J. Trump (47th President of the United States): I love Lent. I say Lent is a great season to do great things. It’s my favorite season, actually, which is why you need to buy the new TRUMP LENTEN CALENDAR, available in gold plating. The calendar will suggest which days you should eat a McDouble and which days to eat a regular BigMac. The only thing I say is don’t go too far. People tell me, “Sir, you’re too hard on yourself. You fast too much. You pray too much. You give up too much.” And I reply, well, you’re right, but the people of America need my amazing example. With Trump as the example, just watch the holiness of America shoot way, way up this Lent. Just you wait! (TRANSLATION: The Protestant “Pope” (and Trump advisor) Paula White has decided that fasting is against the Gospel, and prayer and almsgiving interrupt your life. So, don’t do anything different during Lent.)
McDonalds: Try the Filet-O-Fish!
USCCB: Two smaller meals that don’t add up to a regular one and one regular meal on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. And don’t eat meat on Fridays.
Fr. Athansius Alexander (Byzantine Priest (married): I’d agree with the traditional practices of the East, including no meat, dairy, eggs, etc., and fasting until 3 pm every day. In addition, it is the traditional practice for err, Tuesdays and Thursdays 1-4 pm. If you know, you know.
Walmart: We have Easter Eggs for sale in Aisle 7.
Bishop Sam Brown (of the Diocese of Virginia Beach, VA): Maybe give up chocolate at a meal on Good Friday? Or maybe pray once or twice during Lent. I don’t know. Live with the spirit, and don’t worry about it, man. We're cool around here. It’s all about the heart, not what you do or don’t do.
In summary, everyone agrees that Lent is a real thing, and you need to do something during it. Very clear and easy, right?
Let us know which subject you want us to look into next for simple answers for you.