Pope Francis's New Tell-All Autobiography Just Blames the Jesuits For Everything

The Jesuits Made Me Do It

Pope Francis, fresh from receiving the Medal of Freedom from President Biden earlier this week, also released an autobiography, an 1138 page tell-all entitled The Jesuits Made Me Do It. While tradition-minded Catholics have found themselves at odds with Francis, at least on tone and “vibes” many times over the past 12 years of his papacy, this autobiography presents a very different perspective on the last decade of confusion, obfuscation, dubias, and more confusion within the church by actually confirming one of the coping arguments traditionalists have often used to cope with the Pope’s confusion. For, according to Francis in the autobiography, every single thing he’s done in his pontificate that traditionalists don’t like was done under duress, fraud, trickery, his receiving poor seminary formation from, and intense coercion by a certain order known as the Society of Jesus.

“The Jesuits made me do it,” Francis repeats again, and again, and again throughout the autobiography. “They gave me bad theological training in seminary. They bribe all the journalists to misquote me. They gave me sleeping pills so that I would give poor answers during interviews. They forced me to staff the Vatican with Jesuits, Jesuit-agents, and Jesuit-aligned-intellectuals. These agents of the SJs write documents in my name, control me, sign things in my name, and lie to me. The Jesuits are in control of everything in the Vatican, and they’re modernist crooks, and there’s also too much of their queer gay stuff everywhere there, if I haven’t told you about that.”

“Also,” he added. “When they’re not tricking or coercing me, they’re just giving me bad advice. They also tell me to be ambiguous and to always try to muddle things. So if you don’t like how things are going, just blame the Jesuits. They made me do it. They also pushed me over and broke my arm today because they hope to replace me with someone who doesn’t call our beloved queer seminarian folx bad names.” They say its not the way of the Spirit.”

While there has been political influence over the papacy in the past, nothing at this scale has ever occurred in Church history,” Dr. Petrus Hicest of the Levfrebe Center for Papal Research commented to IIT. “We are concerned about the influence of the Jesuits, and of course they will need to be repressed, but this does do some interesting things for the position of radical traditionalists like us. If the Pope was acting under coercion the whole time, perhaps Pope John Paul II was also acting under coercion and we were never excom-, err, placed unjustly in a state of imperfect canonical status.”

Outside observers are surprised at the Pope’s candid revelations and how he thinks the situation is safe enough for him to reveal the influence and control operation perpetuated against him by the Society of Jesus of which he is a long-time member. Some speculate that he has hired private military contractors to liberate himself from the Jesuits and come out with the truth about the infiltration of the Vatican, but as of today in St. Peter’s Square there is no sign of any such thing apparent on the ground within the Vatican.

Liberal Catholics meanwhile are defending the Society of Jesus, claiming, as Fr. James Martin did today that “the Society of Jesus is a peaceful democractic institution that would never hurt a fly, let alone step foot in the Vatican, nor write an encyclical for the Pope.”

Professor Hicest is calling for Catholics to protest the Jesuits control of the papacy by “wearing veils even harder” and working to put SSPX agents into the Vatican so that the Pope will still be controlled by a society, but “by us instead of them.”

“Wouldn’t it great to get out of schism by just infiltrating the Church and taking it over. If we have control of Francis we can just get him to start showing us some of that ‘ecumenism’, ‘collegiality,’ and excessive mercy.’” Hicest added. “We never realized it was as quick and easy as just hiring a few spies to infiltrate the Vatican and we’ll get on that project quickly.”