The Official Guide to the Esoteric Meanings of Chapel Veils

How What Type of Head Covering A Woman Wears Reveals Her Inner Essence

Have you ever noticed the variety of chapel veils that Catholic women wear in Church? Ever wondered what they all mean? Never fear, we’re here to give you all the scoop on the secret esoteric meaning behind all the different types. Women think their symbolism is entirely secret, but after two thousand years of Church history, men have finally cracked the code. We put a lot of work into this investigation, consulting with a real-life, living, breathing Catholic woman, and we are here to mansplain the conspiratorial symbolism to all of you.

If you see a woman wearing a veil, hat, scarf, or any other head covering, here’s what each of them signifies about the woman and her personality, a guide that we expect will be especially useful for men seeking to understand the complex social relationships and their meanings going on amidst the women of their church community:

Not Wearing A Veil: We don’t want to go there, but St. Paul says a lot of things in 1st Corinthians about what this means.

Long Veil: They want the biggest and best outward sign of their interior sanctity to be put forward, which means they had to buy a veil longer than all their friends’.

Short Veil: These women are extremely practically minded. They want a veil that doesn’t take up all the space in their purse and can “get the job done” without making it look like they’re trying to appear to be Holy.

Opaque Veil: These women either don’t talk much, or they chose an opaque veil today because they didn’t wash their hair.

More Transparent Veil: Their thoughts (and their words) are an open book, just like their veil, for better or for worse. They’re veiling for the sake of grabbing attention more than for the sake of veiling.

Infinity Veil: Just as their veil is circular, they also use lots of circular reasoning. When arguing with them, it’s best to just affirm everything they see rather than disagreeing.

Crochet Veil: Either they’re into “trad wife,” aesthetics, specialty types of jam and flower arrangements, all natural organic farming, and goat-herding, and DO have real-life experience with these things, or they merely picked up the habit of crochet from a Mexican grandmother.

Flowery Hat: It means they are into “trad wife,” aesthetics, specialty types of jam and flower arrangements, all natural organic farming, and goat-herding, but have no real-life experience with any of these things.

Beret: They’re French… Or they’re Byzantine, which is basically the same thing, plus a lot more fasting.

Baseball Cap: Either they’re a tomboy, they recently converted to the faith, or they walked into the wrong building, thinking they were headed for the Pride Service at the local Episcopal Cathedral. Stay ten feet away for your safety.

Basic Mantilla Lace: Could mean anything, as this is basic and generic, but it’s also probably a sign that they have a rather generic disposition. Gifting them a different type of veil would be a very good and well-appreciated gift.

Scarf: These women are extremely humble and selfless. Believing that lace is vain and perhaps even immodest, they wear scarves instead. They also could be trying to LARP the Middle Ages.

White Veil: The woman is unmarried or thinks she is.

Grey Veil: The woman is engaged and can’t decide which color to wear, and decided to compromise in the middle. This demonstrates that it is difficult for her to make decisions.

Black and White Striped Veil: The woman is engaged and very clearly decided that she wanted to wear both colors. She is very strong willed and independent yet also extremely excited to get married. She has likely already bought five different black veils for when she will be.

Black Veil: The woman is married.

Black Veil (Covers Entire Head With Only an Eye-Slit): The woman is likely a Muslim.

Blue Veil: The woman either is looking for a spouse, has a very strong Marian devotion, or is severely depressed and experiencing “the blues.” Pray for her.

Red Veil: She has an overzealously deep devotion to the liturgical calendar and is trying to match her veil to the day’s feast.

Purple Veil: She is likely an Albigensian/Cathar heretic. Send a Dominican to convert her.

Brown Veil: She wants her veil to blend in with her hair color so it doesn’t look like she’s trying to wear it out of pride. She also might be a new convert or a “regular Catholic” LARPing as a Trad who doesn’t know what all the colors mean yet.

Veil w. Sequins: This is either an immature adult or a child. Offering them a more fashionable replacement would be a good Confirmation gift.

Golden Veil: This woman is likely an infiltrator from the Masonically affiliated Order of the Eastern Star, or Donald Trump just launched another Trump-branded product, the “TRUMP VEIL.”

Green Veil: Expect to see a crazy cat lady in the woods in 40 years.

Orange Veil: Just as some animals have bright colors, this woman is wearing a brightly colored veil as a warning sign to everyone. Stay at least a hundred feet away.

Rainbow Veil: Somehow Fr. James Martin got involved in this decision, or this woman was simultaneously educated by Jesuits and one or two rad-trads. No one knows how this weird crossover fashion evolved. She could also be colorblind.

Beige Veil: This is an Amish woman who somehow found herself in a Catholic Church. Stop her before she walks up to receive Holy Communion. Those Amish have such good disguises that they're an ever-present menace.

Pink Veil: Social pressure from her friends or the church community was pushing her to wear a veil, but she’s resisting as hard as she can. Maybe she also likes the Barbie movie.

Ski Mask: Hold on to your wallet. The Church is getting robbed by Bonnie and Clyde today.

Stetson: They attended Wyoming Catholic College.

Hint: Don’t let any women know you read this article. We don’t want them to change their secret code. It took us a ton of work to compile this guide, and we want the intel to be worth something.