OP-ED: The Secrets of Paper Writing Professors Don't Want You To Know
It's a paper day, Lander. May 3rd, 2025, at Wyoming Catholic College and every class has a paper due. So that means you're likely working on one right now as I write this. You probably have only a few hours left until it’s due. So I'll be brief. Here are just a few quick notes to help you all with your current activity of paper writing from the IIT Grammar and Writing ExpertsTM team.
These apply to Wyoming Catholic College but also apply just about as well, according to my current sources, to all other similar Catholic colleges. Applying them if you’re still, say, a homeschooler, might look a little different, but I’m sure you can adapt them to local circumstances as needed very easily. Your mother’s grading you anyway, it shouldn’t matter that much.
When you write a paper, it's best to begin the night before writing, after drinking, partying, and staying up late watching multiple movies. Listen to blaring 80s rock music, have a lot of people with you as you write (next to the foosball table is one of the best places), and take a break at the bar a few times during the day. Or better yet, write your paper at the bar.
Never use an outline. That would be like taking a map with you when you want to go on an adventure.
Professors say they want bold claims. But what they really want is actually spicy claims. Go ahead and use slang. Aeneas Was Too Much of a Jock is a great title or a great thesis statement to make. I Don't Like My Prefect is even better.
If you don't like what something seems to mean in a reading that you're writing on, just disagree with it. Just say the person you're disagreeing with is wrong. From my experience, it's best to always choose ethos over logos. Claim your position solely on the basis of your own ethos. And if you don't have ethos, claim your point on the basis of mine. I don't have any ethos left, so there's nothing left for me to lose.
You can always make up quotes and hope your professors haven't memorized everything in the course. I always think that's a good idea because the quotes you can make up work better for what you want to say than the ones in the books.
If you do quote others for evidence, quoting modern TV shows, memes, and the like goes a long way toward you're building your street credibility, especially among the uber-homeschooled community that is most of WCC. Quote Dragon Ball Z, quote Marvel movies, and quote Christopher Nolan in your argument. Worked for a sophomore last year, worked for me the entire time, and will work just as well for you.
Here is an example essay that my friend
wrote in this manner. This was in fact his first essay, and the one that got this site going over six years ago.You should also skip the citations. Professors have read the works more than you likely ever will, and assigning some random set of numbers and symbols to a quote doesn't do anything to strengthen your argument. It's actually just distracting. If a professor really wants to find where your quote came from, they'll Google it, just like you should have. Also, skipping the citations makes it easier for you to make up quotes, so I'd definitely recommend that you just ignore doing them.
Professors love pathos, especially in physical form. That means you should cry onto your paper when you print it out, grind your sweat into it, and the like. I'm not entirely sure about leaving your blood on the paper, though. Might pass along a disease, or maybe even the latest 2025 version of COVID.
Latin titles make even a bad paper look like a winner. Many professors don't even read the actual paper when they set out to grade it, and just grade based on the title. A Latin title with a lot of macrons over all the vowels (they don’t have to be over the right ones) will have them thinking you wrote the whole thing in Latin
Don't spell check. It's a total waste of time. Your professor can spell check just as easily as you can.
Don't even write the paper, come to think of it. Your professor probably knows the subject better than you ever will. And there are already a billion papers floating around about how Achilles Is A Hero. Do you really want to litter your professor's office? I mean, to quote Joe Biden’s greatest piece of rhetoric, “Come on man!”
If you happen to be writing about Herodotus today, check out our specific guide to his writings (written by my friend Joe):
I also wrote an essay about the Peloponnesian Wars about six years ago that might interest you. Find it here:
Oh, and by the way, you should be reading and writing for us here at Irkutsk Ice Truckers instead of writing your paper. We’re more fun than writing your paper.
