Cardinal Calls for Transfer of All Holy Days of Obligation to One Day a Year

Warning >> Satire!

Cardinal Günter Schuster is also well known as the first cardinal to adopt a rainbow theme for his dress

Cardinal Günter Schuster of Dusseldorf Germany, well-known as a progressive “ally” and for his work to open the cause for canonization of the Iranian General Soleimani in 2020, as well for increasing the COVID consciousness of the lavabo rite within the Mass, getting rid of the idea of sin, bringing back the minor order of cameraman, and related progressive work, now has a new project, adjusting the Church’s calendar.

“Why do we require Catholics to come to Mass once a week and then eight more days on top of that?” he asked in a press conference today where he and other German bishops announced that they would be recommending that both the Catholic Church in Germany as while as Catholics everywhere take a different tack on the question of when one is required to attend Mass. “It’s oppressive, difficult, and a patriarchal innovation that most definitely does not conform with the great and perfect vision of the spirit of Vatican II.”

“Don’t follow it,” he added. “Here in Germany, we say that here, and we also say to Catholics everywhere that the right thing for today’s Church to do is to move all the Holy Days of Obligation to Sunday. And not just to any Sunday, but to one Sunday a year, to Easter Sunday. And we’re going to move all the Sundays too. We’re going to adjust the Church calendar to require, or should I say just suggest that you attend Mass on Easter. Every Holy Day will be transferred to Easter, every Sunday will be transferred to Easter. You will only be asked, and it will be a kind, gentle, compassionate, walking with you kind of ask, that you attend Mass on Easter. And if you don’t no problem, we’re welcoming and we hate patriarchal heteronormative standards as much as you do, so basically you be you, you do you, but that’s what we’re doing.”

Sadly, another German bishop added, this will lead to a complicated Easter celebration, as all the important feast days, including the Feast of Pride, the commemoration of George Floyd, and the Trans Ally Day celebration will all be held on Easter and not get their own liturgical celebrations, but “it’s a small price to pay for fixing the Church. You’ll always be allowed to hold your own witch/deaconess-led celebrations on those days but we won’t be mandating that you come to Mass.

“Why would Jesus impose any standards,” Schuster added. “He wouldn’t and we won’t either. Finally a Church that lives and breathes like the sheep, err, uhh, goats, we’re going with goats this time. No, uhh, trans goats. Yeah, that’s what we like.”

Mass will continue to be celebrated, sadly, according to the old calendars, “by a few conservative holdouts who aren’t with the times,” another German bishop commented. “But we’ll bring them along the synodal path. Just you wait!”

Pope Francis did not directly address the plan in a statement he made today, but did mention that he “agrees with all the great work done by ol’ Günter.”

Cardinal Schuster is also now rumored to be working on an “update” to the one Mass to be celebrated a year under his new liturgical calendar to include “land acknowledgments, beer instead of wine for the Eucharist, and representation by the pressed community of literal clowns” according to an IIT intelligence source.