CIA Transcript of Pre-Mass Conversations in St. Andrew Catholic Church Sacristy
Agent Susie Reports Failure to Induce Greater Heterodoxy Than Normal
FILE: XCF-YYZ-543-1274-AGENT-SUSIE-CONVERSATION-03-06-25-WITH_FATHER-ANDREW-BAUCK-(3).zip
*TRANSCRIPT RECORDED ON CIA <RS-453 MICRO RECORDING DEVICE>*
**TRANSCRIPT REVIEWED 3/18/25 by CIA AGENTS <BOB GATES> and <JOHN BRENNAN>**
***CIA COVERT ACTION REQUEST INPUTTED BY [ALEXANDER VINDMAN] on 3/18/25 < ASSIGN CIA AGENT TO REPLACE SUSIE >***
****CIA COVERT ACTION REQUEST DENIED BY [John Brennan] <REASON GIVEN «NO SUFFICIENT BENEFIT TO AGENCY OR STATE TO REPLACE SUSIE. SUSIE IS DOING A GOOD JOB FOR AGENCY AND USAID» > ****
*****FILE ACCESS ALERT <FILE ACCESSED BY [ELON MUSK]*****
******NOTE APPENDED BY [ELON MUSK] <WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING HERE?>******
*******NOTE REPLY BY [JOHN BRENNAN] TO [ELON MUSK] <NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS>*******
********NOTE REPLY BY [ELON MUSK] TO [JOHN BRENNAN] <I HAVE UHH RECOMMENDED TO DONALD TRUMP THAT YOU AND SUSIE BE FIRED AND THIS PROGRAM BE UHH TERMINATED.*******
*********CIA COVERT ACTION TERMINATED 3/19/25 BY USER [ELON MUSK]*********
Dramatis Personae
Susie Reynold: A 61-year-old lady who has attended St. Andrew’s for her entire life. She has no official position but seems to control everything that happens at the Church, especially in the Sacristy, where she seems to wield a lot of influence in a weirdly, uhh, “progressive” direction.
Fr. Andrew Bauck: Pastor. (Note: according to Susie, “Pastors come and go, I remain.”
Susie: Good Morning Father. I picked out this green chasuble before you. You’re celebrating this Mass for the repose of the soul of Andrew Widgett.
Fr. Andrew: Can I use this red chasuble today? Today is the feast of Sts. Perpetua and Felicity.
Susie: Well, that doesn’t look right for the season. How about you try a nice pink today?
Fr. Andrew: I have to follow the calendar.
Susie: Well, alright, but the other ladies at Mass sure aren’t going to approve. By the way, remember to remind everyone in your homily that there’s a fundraiser to cover the Parish Council’s tab at Bunkee’s Bar during Lent. We also have a great Bingo Night and sumptuous all-you-can-eat fish fries that you should remind everyone about.
Fr. Andrew: I’ll try and work it in, maybe. Why do you have four chalices set out for the credence table?
Susie: Well, we have about twenty people coming to Mass today, so I figured we’d need at least four Extraordinary Ministers. Come to think of it, Patricia Denise is coming, so I’ll add a fifth.
Fr. Andrew: I don’t really think we need any.
Susie: We’ve argued about this before. Four is the absolute minimum for daily mass. We don’t want it running too long, do we?
Fr. Andrew: Well, I do have a lot of St. John of the Cross I was intending to work through in the homily as part of my series of Lenten meditations. I might just not be able to mention all of your ministries today.
Susie: But think of all the great work they and USAID—err, I mean the USCCB—are doing through the Rainbow Initiative and the Open Your Mind to Other Perspectives Seminar. We need to mention these today, Father.
Fr. Andrew: Mass starts in two minutes. I appreciate your help Susie, but we’ve been through this before. Let’s talk after. We have a parish council. You can work out your complaints through that.
Susie: The parish council does have some synodal comments we’d like to share about how the spirit led us to a new understanding of the faith that takes all the rules out and adds some more fun.
Fr. Andrew: Can we talk about that later?
Susie: Ok, but don’t keep putting it off, or I’ll send Jolene in to start setting up for Mass instead of me. You know how much more particular she is than I am.
Fr. Andrew: Thank you for your help, I need to start Mass.
Susie: I picked a song. I’ll be singing “Gather Us In.” How many verses would you like?
Fr. Andrew: I was thinking more of an Entrance Antiphon or Introit.
Susie: Too late. Bob Bigelow brought his guitar. We’re going to have a blast in the back pew today.
(I didn’t make this song, but it’s hilarious)
END OF CIA TRANSCRIPT (AGENT SUSIE REPORTED A PARTIAL FAILURE IN TODAY’s USAID/CIA MISSION - CODE RED: FAILURE TO PROMOTE MORE HETERODOXY THAN NORMAL)
P.S. Via Fr. John Zuhlsdorf we can append a transcript of the version of Gather Us In” which prevails at this parish under local custom:
Gather Us In […to the tune of, that is!]
Here in this place, our comfortable parish,
All of the statues carried away,
See in each face a vacuous visage,
Brought here by guilt or by R.C.I.A.Gather us in, by Beemer or Hummer,
Gather us in, so we can feel good,
Come to us now in this barren Zen temple,
With only a shrub and an altar of wood.We are the young, our morals a mystery,
We are the old, who couldn’t care less,
We have been warned throughout all of history,
But we enjoy this liturgical mess.Gather us in, our radical pastor,
Gather us in, our unveiled nun,
Call to us now, with guitars and bongos,
Hang up your cellphones and join in the fun!1
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