LEAKED: Real Reason Why Bishop Melvin Delayed TLM Restrictions
Cherryville, NC – In recent days, Bishop Mark Melvin of the Diocese of Cherryville, who had just made the news as a result of his restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass, decided to postpone the imposition of his new rules until their original date in October. There has been much speculation as to the reason for this, given that Bishop Melvin seems to be a man who rules firmly (but not in a draconian way). It is the opinion of some people that Bishop Melvin received a call from Rome with a different opinion on the matter. Regardless of the veracity of this opinion, Catolica News has an exclusive as to at least one of the potential reasons why Bishop Melvin postponed the imposition of his new rule,s according to Trashcan Custodians (the motu proprio also known as Jailers of Tradition).
According to one of our reporters who took a position undercover in the chancery under the name of Susan Freewoman, Bishop Melvin’s decision to wait a few months before his new liturgical rules take effect comes as a result of low morale in the diocese. “I don’t like the way people were looking at me,” Bishop Melvin was heard saying to his secretary. “It was as if they didn’t like me.”
Bishop Melvin reportedly sees the Diocese of Cherryville as his own little country, and believes in the dutiful love of his subjects. He reportedly looks up to the strategies used by powerful and notable world leaders such as Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin to gain the love of their people. He has also been known to state that, as a boy, he dreamed of becoming a rockstar and being famous, or of being the president of a country.
“I like my people to love me as I love them,” the bishop stated. Recently, the Diocese of Cherryville has launched three new projects: The Melvin Journal, The Melvin Hour, and Melvin Talk.
The Melvin Journal is a magazine dedicated to the goings-on of the Diocese of Cherryville, including exclusive, never-before-seen pictures of the Bishop’s day-to-day life, as well as two articles written by him, as well as two columns by his priest-secretary: A Day in the Life of a Bishop, and What It’s Like To Be His Secretary.
The Melvin Hour is set to be a TV program aired by local television network KT2. Bishop Melvin signed a $1M contract with the network just this past week, shortly after making a strong appeal to the faithful of the diocese for increased donations needed to make repairs for the diocese’s rapidly decaying churches and rectories. A spokeswoman for the diocese told Catolica News that the bishop has high hopes for the program, as he believes it will someday become bigger than the last TV show hosted by a bishop, Life is Worth Living. While The Melvin Hour is only planned to air as a half-hour-long program, Bishop Melvin told KT2 that he intends to provide funding necessary for an hour-long program once he demonstrates his ability to garner an audience.
Lastly, Melvin Talk is a radio show that will air thrice a week on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, where Bishop Melvin will speak directly to the faithful in the style of Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s famous “fireside chats.” He intends Melvin Talk to supplement The Melvin Hour, and provide the faithful with enough content to put them through the week of waiting between each TV episode of his show.
Bishop Melvin granted Catolica News a short phone-call interview in honor of the event of the inauguration of these three projects. When asked why he was doing this, he said, “Children can only love their father if they know him. I noticed that there was a lot of backlash among people after I released the directions – not restrictions, as many people are calling them, as if they were some cruel new rules – for the celebration of the Old Liturgy for the diocese. People were painting a picture of me as if the M in my last name stood for ‘monster’!”
“I believe that the only way I can brainwash people – err, I mean… I believe the only way people will come to understand my duty as their father and see why I am doing what I am doing is if we get to know each other. Once they see that the heart of a bishop is the heart of a father, I truly think that we will be able to walk together on this journey of togetherness.”
Radio 22.2, the station hosting Melvin Talk, informed Catolica News that Bishop Melvin will not be taking calls from the public on his radio show, and will only be hosting Q&A sessions with previewed questions. A spokeswoman for the diocese also informed us of the Bishop’s plans to hold a lunch meeting with the faithful in early October, but that admission will only be given through invitations issued by the chancery.
Loving his people to tears
I’ve written for the Catolica News a few times and I attended the same parish as their editor in chief for several years. It used to be a much different paper under the former Bishop of Cherryville. And the EIC is faithful, kind, and devoted. I hope they are looking for a new job. Because I can’t imagine doing what they do for a living. It gives me the ick.