Sad: This FBI Agent Who Used to Spy on TLM Parishes for A Living is Now Unemployed

Detroit, MI -

Andrew Parker

has been a loyal FBI agent for eleven years at the agency’s Detroit field office, where alongside his boss Eugene Debson, and his tight-knit pals they’ve busted and imprisoned tons of dangerous criminals together. Andrew fondly remembers the case of a dangerous raw milk distribution network and the 68-year-old grandmother they sent to prison for that, the group of young families who attempted to build a communal farm that they’ve been wiretapping and vandal… err,. uhh interacting with for years, and even that great little gig back in 2020 where he went undercover into a right-wing militia and almost helped them kidnap the governor. January 6th was fun too, but that was only one day, unfortunately, as he often bemoaned.

Yet his all-time favorite assignment was also his longest continual one. It was also by far the easiest he had ever undertaken. His FBI handler/boss Debson had ordered him to “infiltrate and monitor” a traditional Catholic parish, St. Felicity Catholic Church in Grand Rapids.

Andrew Parker was a lifelong agnostic, whose most religious-like experience had been participating in BLM riots in 2020 (for pleasure and for work, he attended because he wanted to be there, but also had been tasked with dropping off the necessary bricks, Molotov cocktails and other supplies). Of course, this meant that to infiltrate Catholic churches, particularly traditional ones offering the Traditional Latin Mass, he would need to do some studying, clean up his haircut, grow a beard, and get used to not wearing dark sunglasses while on the job.

Parker’s infiltration began quite smoothly. He showed up to St. Felicity one Sunday in January 2021 ostentatiously waving around not one but two brand new 1962 missals that he profoundously and visibly used throughout the entirety of the Mass. His cover story was polished, he was a “cradle Catholic” and a “building contractor” who “had grown disillusioned with Francis, hated Biden, and wanted something more.” He chatted with parishioners after Mass and made fast friends over his “love of cribbage” while wowing everyone with how much trad-lore he already knew on his first visit to a Latin mass.

He embedded himself deeper over the next few months, helping spring two fellow FBI agents into the church, embedding himself within the choir, soon joining a men’s group, and even volunteering to help produce the bulletin. There were setbacks, of course. Parker’s hope to provide proof of extremist plots from within the parish to his boss wasn’t coming up with much. None of his recording devices had picked up anything juicy from discussions on the church’s steps after Mass. Sure he knew who was dating whom, who was buying chickens and goats from whom, and even had files on a whole bunch of people who had refused to take the COVID vaccine. But the real goals, finding avowed white supremacists, finding interest in launching a plot to kidnap the governor (yes that plan again), or getting people to join him in a plot to blow up city hall and kidnap a neighboring bishop who was again the TLM were coming up short (yes, he was trying that hard). His attempts to start conversations about “the Jews” or about “cleaning up the country” were met with blank stares, and when Parker tried to host a “shooting outing” for the young men of the parish, only two showed up and both were better shots than he was (with no unregistered weapons to be found).

Parker, however, kept his spirits up, deciding to play a long game in hopes that something would turn up, or that he and his two FBI compatriots could eventually get someone, anyone, to join them for a “day of rage in city hall.” Meanwhile, he relaxed, joined a Thomistic study group one evening a week (for the free beer), and even pretended to start dating someone in the church (his FBI agent accomplice Sue Ellerson).

After a few months, the Biden administration, to his incredible luck, made “infiltrating traditional Catholic churches the top priority for the FBI,” so, in luck, Parker’s entire job was this operation.

He tried, again and again, yes, to “launch” things, and yes, he was still failing, but no one, it seemed, was suspecting him. The parishioners thought he was a little odd, perhaps, but nothing too out of the ordinary, besides his weird racist and violent outbursts from time to time that they tried to talk him out of.

It was a great, relaxing gig.

But then came the tragic day in 2024 when the great (FBI and IRS endorsed) Kamala Harris lost the election to Donald Trump. Initially, Parker thought he’d be safe. Perhaps he’d be transferred over to assignments riling up ANTIFA again, or something like that.

But then came the confirmation in February of the new head of the FBI, Kash Patel, and, terrifyingly, a memo that priorities were changing, Parker would be reassigned to a job doing data analysis in Texas of murder cases. “Harsh,” he thought to himself. “That’s a lot of work.”

But then came an even worse day. He was being fired.

“For what,” he thought to himself when he read the terrible email that had arrived from D.O.G.E.

“Your job has been deemed unnecessary and contrary to the good of the country,” it read.

“WHAT? But I was doing important, necessary work,” he literally cried. “Who’s going to infiltrate Catholic churches without me?” he queried his boss, almost too angry for words.

“It seems this entire project has been terminated,” Debson replied. “It also seems that an order was put out to terminate anyone engaged in “illicit or pointless surveillance”

And that was that. Eleven-year veteran of the FBI Andrew Parker was out of a job. So were his two accomplices, and, announced a day later, his boss.

And no, Parker was not a general contractor. He had no other skills than surveillance and launching plots. For a moment he thought of applying to work for ANTIFA, but quickly realized that their funding had dried up. He tried the Proud Boys, only to discover that theirs had too.

What was he to do?

What ought this poor public servant who was just doing his job do? Let us know below!