The Six Secrets to Launching a Profitable Charismatic Renewal Movement

A Guest Promo by Andrew Parker "Former FBI Agent"

This is a guest post by former FBI officer Andrew Parker, the FBI agent we profiled here after he was fired from the FBI:

Shh… Can you keep a secret?

You know this already, I just want to make sure that my, and your—that is, our—customers don’t know it, but much of the charismatic movement is fake and a sham.

It’s profitable, though. VERRRYYY profitable.

Of course, that’s why you’re reading this. You want in on it. You want to know my secrets. Of course, I do expect that you give me a cut of the action if you use my real secrets and really get your charismatic cult going.

I can’t tell you those without your paying up.

But I can tell you six ways to successfully launch and profit from your charismatic movement, and I’ll share these six secrets below if you promise not to leak them to the gullible “customers” we’re all aiming to make bucks, lots of bucks, off of.

I’ve launched five charismatic renewal movements already in the time since I was fired from my dream job at the FBI, infiltrating Latin Mass parishes around the country. SpiritFilled Corp., Spirits of the Spirit Synodal Parties LLC, My Peace in the Spirit Renewal Ministries Inc., All the Spiritual Gifts LLC, and Communication of Idioms for the Renewal are all mine, and have all launched within the last two months and have all been instantly profitable and continue to rapidly grow.

Of course, you can’t expect any movement to last forever. Eventually, people will remember that SpiritFilled Corp. charged them $500 over the course of a year and they don’t really remember receiving any lasting benefits from it. They won’t be interested in paying for another year when you come back if they don’t get real healings out of it.

But since for some reason, the demand for new charismatic movements is endless, even if they don’t come back to SpiritFilled Corp, they’ll immediately sign up for whatever new movement you start up the next year.

Alright, promise not to tell our “customers”? Here are six secret rules to remember when starting your own charismatic movement.

1. Steal the material of an existing program, add some bells and whistles and made up promises, and call it something new. Just take the Cursillo program, add in tiered levels of payment for promised better chances at healing, and add your own name to the program. It works.

2. Don’t offer and promise instant healing on Day 1. Require members of your movement to pay for several years’ membership in advance before they can start the “healing journey.”: You need to provide people with reasons to show up to your program. But you also want them to keep coming back. Don’t promise instant healings on Day 1 of the “charismatic journey” of each new initiate. Make them pay up first. It’s only good business.

3. Smoke machines: Just add them, they’re worth the investment. Add essential oils to the air as well to create an irresistible atmosphere perfect for attracting homeschool moms to your program.

4. Steal Ideas from Hinduism and Buddhism but repackage them as “Spiritual Gifts”: This is exactly what Episcopalians and Methodists do in their “churches” already.¹ Examples include adding a labyrinth, crystals, smoke-assisted meditation rituals, etc., to your program plan. Forget Catholic theology, this is new and exciting. Of course, you need to name-drop God and call the things “spiritual gifts from God” every now and again—your attendees still want to pretend they’re Catholic, of course—but these “Eastern” ideas work well for making money.

   WCC Launches Interfaith Meditation Center in Old Chapel

5. Don’t run two programs simultaneously in the same community. Run them sequentially instead. You want to fleece people. Don’t make it hard for them to choose between your two programs. Persuade them to come separately to each one by making it seem like they’re entirely different charismatic movements.

6. If all else fails, just have your people wave their arms around, clap, and do some good ol’ liturgical dance to the following song as soundtrack:

I’ve got hundreds more ready-to-use suggestions for starting your own charismatic renewal movement. If you’re interested, I,

Andrew Parker

, can help you if you pay me.

I’m thinking of starting sedevacantist cults too. I’ve heard that they’re popular and easy to make money with. If I start a few and they’re successful, I’ll teach courses in starting them as well.

Nothing compares to my days infiltrating traditional parishes, but at least I’m making money now, and so can you.

Andrew Parker (Former FBI Agent)

1. I’m being harsh, but the average atheist is to the right of the average Episcopalian minister. I have met and done some work on the homes of some friendly Episcopalian ministers (husband and wife as “co-pastors”) but wow, was their theology awkward.