Trump Announces Tariffs on Novus Ordo

Theological Liberalism Imports Will Also Face Heavy Tariffs Until "Bogus Ordo" is Retracted

Washington D.C. Alongside discussing plans to relocate and/or rebuild Gaza and possibly place sanctions on Iran in a press briefing today, President Donald Trump has also announced tariffs on “any imports to the United States related to the Novus Ordo Mass or theological liberalism from the Vatican or anywhere else around the world.”

“Some people say I’m being harsh and mean-spirited,” said Trump. “To me, I’m just being practical. The Novus Ordo, I like to call it the Bogus Ordo, has led to absolute destruction everywhere it’s been used. They’re stealing our altar rails, destroying the statues, desecrating our Churches, killing vocations, and breaking up our Faith. But that’s all going to end today with these 50% tariffs I’m putting on all exports related to the Novus Ordo and theological liberalism from the Vatican. Until Pope Francis decides to restore tradition and help us have more beautiful Churches he isn’t going to have free access to the American market. No Bogus Ordo infused Roman Missals, catechisms, Pachamama statues or anything like that will enter the U.S. without paying a tariff. And soon, we will have our tradition back, our churches back, and our faith back. Just you watch! Clown masses will END!”

Members of the US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) have urged President Trump to reconsider this tariff, arguing that he’s threatening “the entire synodal process” and could “set the Church back centuries if he only allows Latin Mass-related exports into the United States to enter tariff free.”

Cardinal Gunter Schuster of Germany suggested to liberal American Catholics that they could “manufacture their own theological liberalism and Novus Ordo missals in the United States” but a USCCB spokesman says this is an “inadequate solution as the USCCB no longer has the funds they used to rely on from USAID and can’t hire the undocumented immigrants that typically did that manufacturing for them anymore.”

“If Pope Francis wants to call me and fix things up, I’d love to talk. But until then, he can’t export anything liberal or related to the Bogus Ordo without paying up big league,” Trump added.

Trump insiders in contact with IIT expect, as was the case with Trump’s recent confrontations with Columbia, Mexico, and Canada, for Pope Francis to back down, retract the Novus Ordo, and deploy the entire Church to restoring the Tridentine Mass for the Roman Rite within a week.