EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Transcript of Pope Donald I's First Planned Papal Address
Trump Will Convert, Be Ordained, and Be Consecrated a Bishop This Week Before Being Formally Elected Pope
The Trump administration's security practices have been called into question again after one of our IIT journalists was added to a secret group chat between President Trump, JD Vance, Marco Rubio, and Elon Musk. This time, however, what was leaked out by way of the security breach might be the bigger story, that Trump “is confident that he has the Papal conclave in the bag and will be elected Pope”, confident enough that he wrote up a pre-print of his first papal address to the Church, attached below.
According to the leaked conversation, Trump secured the support of two-thirds of the cardinals last week after promising to immediately join the Catholic Church, make his first confession, and be confirmed, sending his wife to a convent for the rest of her life in order that he might become a celibate. He was secretly ordained and consecrated a bishop by Archbishop Schneider after being received into the Church by Fr. Ripperger yesterday, with the papal election to follow later this week being “merely a formality.” Trump will reportedly take the name “Donald I” or “The Donald the First.”
Unless you’ve already read Chris Jackson’s reporting at The Remnant, and know of Trump’s lesser-known plan to run for the papacy (read it, it’s an awesome piece of satire!) this comes as a surprise, but it’s apparently been in the works for awhile, with JD Vance’s visit to Pope Francis right before the pontiff’s death being the last step in the diplomatic process of Trump’s negotiations to receive the office. People laughed at Trump’s posting of an image of himself as Pope last week, and laughed when he admitted to a reporter that he wanted the Papacy, but as far as we can tell, it’s real.
Here is the text of Trump’s speech, obtained from the communications leak by our new guest correspondent :
"My fellow Catholics, believers, everybody, tremendous people of the Vatican, what an honor, folks, nobody does pontiff like me, nobody. I’m here, Pope Donald, the best pope, maybe ever—better than that other guy, believe me. We’re making the Church great again, fantastic, absolutely fantastic.
“First off, I gotta say, this Vatican? Beautiful. Golden walls, incredible art—Michelangelo, great guy, did a tremendous job on that ceiling. But, frankly, it could use a little Trump touch. Maybe a gold T right on St. Peter’s, classy, very classy. People would love it, they’d say, ‘That’s a pope who knows how to pope!’
“Now, let’s talk faith. I’ve got the best faith, folks. Nobody prays harder than me. I pray all the time, tremendous prayers. The cardinals they come to me, they say, ‘Holy Father, how do you do it?’ I say, “It’s simple, you gotta be holy. Like me.” The Bible? Read it cover to cover, great book, one of the best, right up there with The Art of the Deal. Love the Bible, love the commandments—ten, a great number, very strong.
“But we’ve got problems, folks. The Church has been run by some low-energy people, sad! Too much bureaucracy, too many liberals sneaking around in those robes. We’re gonna drain the swamp, starting right here in Rome. Bad bishops? Out! Weak priests? Gone! We’re bringing in the best, loyal people—my people. I’ve already got Rudy Giuliani advising on exorcisms, fantastic guy, knows demons, nobody better.
“And the fake news media—CNN, MSNBC, even some of those Catholic papers—they’re saying, ‘Oh, Pope Donald’s too flashy, too tough.’
“Wrong! They’re liars, total disasters. I’m tough because I love you, I love this Church. We’re building a spiritual wall, folks, a big, beautiful wall to keep out the devil, and let me tell you, Satan’s gonna pay for it.
“Now, miracles. People say, ‘Pope Donald, you gonna do miracles?’ Of course, I’m doing miracles every day. The economy of the Vatican? Booming. Pilgrims? Pouring in, record numbers. I turned the holy water into Trump Ice—same thing, but better, more refreshing. And confessions? We’re streamlining, making it quick, like a drive-thru. Confess, forgive, boom, Next..!
In closing, folks, we’re gonna keep winning—spiritually, financially, every way. With me as your pope, it’s gonna be heaven on Earth, believe me. Tremendous, just tremendous. Amen!"
This is an IIT exclusive, so very few people know of this news yet. Trump has reportedly already journeyed to Rome, according to this picture also leaked from the group chat, and will take part in the conclave “formalities” alongside, for some reason, Elon Musk, also to convert to Catholicism and be made a cardinal!
It remains unclear both how Catholics worldwide will take the news, as well as whether Trump will continue as the president of the United States in light of this new position as supreme pontiff. Many more questions are on our minds. Is Trump’s conversion genuine? Will he govern the Church the same way he did the United States (with politics on many issues that were to the left of even Pope Francis? Some critics we talked to while writing this piece are concerned that Trump might try to move the papacy to his Mar-A-Lago resort in Florida, which could become like another destructive Avignon papacy period.
But never fear, IIT will be with you every golden step of the way!
Special thanks to George Lorenz for agreeing to let us publish this exclusive report!
Read the rest of our conclave coverage here:
 | A guest post by
|
Bishop Robert Barron has just given tacit support to the Trump papacy "“I think it was a bad joke [ie. but objectively it could be a good joke] that obviously landed very poorly [ie. slight misaim, could have landed really well] and was seen as offensive by a lot of [ie. some] Catholics, and I wish he hadn’t done it [ie. not without Bishop Barron's comedic guidance]. I don’t think at all it represents some disdain for the Catholic Church or some attack on the Catholic Church [ie. my colleague bishops are completely wrong about that]. President[and Pope, he forgot that bit] Trump has signaled in all sorts of ways his support for and affection for the [his] Catholic Church.” Very positive. Hurrah!
I approve this message