The IIT Guide to the Papal Conclave
Who Are the Candidates? How Long Will It Take? And All the Other Questions You've Ever Wanted To Know, Answered
Pope Francis has died.
I choose not to celebrate the fact, even though I admit I’ve breathed many sighs of relief, because there have been many indirect positives of Francis’s pontificate as shared in my article here:
However we might be feeling about the fact that Pope Francis is no longer with us, there’s obviously going to be a conclave to elect the next Pope. The Vatican has announced the date, May 5, and unless you’re a sedevacantist who thinks the whole process has been bunk for seventy or seven hundred years, this means that the Cardinals will meet together and elect one of their number to be the 267th Pope, Bishop of Rome, and Patriarch of the West.
Irkutsk Ice Truckers does not officially endorse candidates for the Papacy, although Everett Polinski has sponsored this article with an endorsement of Cardinal Robert Sarah, whom we all hope and pray will be the choice of the Cardinal fathers at the coming conclave.
The process, however, might be confusing and concerning to many of you as conclaves don’t come that often. One of my Protestant friends1 believes this, for example:
My poor, failing, and debunked competition at the Babylon Bee believes this:
But, as we always do, we’re here for you, with the official IIT guide to the coming conclave, answering all the questions you’ve asked and even the ones you didn’t ask.
Who is going to be elected? Whomever the Holy Spirit confirms out of the choice of 2/3 of Cardinal-electors under the age of 80.
How does the process work? Official answer: See the above answer. Unofficial answer. It usually involves a lot of wheeling, dealing, debating, and messiness spread out over several days. Hopefully, it will no longer include bribery by foreign governments.
But Who Will Be Elected? Ok, let’s look at the candidates:
Did I mention Cardinal Robert Sarah?
We already covered Cardinal Luis Tagle, so I’ll just say that he’s all fun and games and so much so that it’s often hard to tell that he is a cardinal. He’s probably mainly being talked about as a candidate only to make Cardinal Parolin look Catholic, normal, and not in cahoots with the CCP.
Archbishop Vigano? Some sedevacantists claim he’s already the Pope, but since Vigano isn’t even sure himself if he’s a bishop, I doubt he’d ever trust that he was validly the Pope even if by some wild set of circumstances the Cardinals elected him. Vigano would probably be more likely to try to buy the Church, however:
Donald Trump: Chris Jackson from the Remnant first proposed this ten years ago, but I can definitely see the papacy as something Trump would want to complete his story arc. Trump, if elected, would want to keep the name, Trump, and would also want his sons to become popes after him, so a Trump papacy would in many ways return the Church to the “traditional" yet less than stellar days of the 14th century. We would also expect that Trump would, like what happened in the Avignon papacy period, attempt to move the Vatican, this time to Mar-A-Lago in Florida. While he would certainly do a lot to try to restore the material splendor of the papacy, we would also expect the Vatican to start issuing tariffs left and right, to begin monetizing everything with his name, “The Trump Missal”, “The Trump Rosary”, etc. He would, unfortunately, also have views that are even more liberal and left-wing than Pope Francis on most moral issues, and I believe that his divorce and remarriage as well as the current fact that he is not Catholic, would pose “issues.” The only current sign this might happen is that South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham wants it.
J.D. Vance: Ok, I won’t make the joking accusation that this happened, but JD Vance is at least Catholic in name.
Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa: Perhaps this incredibly courageous man, the Latin patriarch of Jerusalem, might also fix the Vatican Bank by investing in Papa John’s Pizza? Jokes aside, he’s apparently widely respected amongst the Cardinals while being morally and liturgically conservative, so while I’d prefer Cardinal Sarah, I’ll take Pizzaballa.
Cardinal Arinze: He’s somewhat older and less likely, but he is theologically conservative and would make my younger brothers’ names prophetic (John Paul Benedict and Francis Arinze were the middle names of my brothers which ended up being predictive so far at least as regards Francis…) Perhaps we might hope that whoever is the next Pope takes the name “Arinze‘?"
Tim Gordon: Tim recently seriously planned to host his own conclave and elect his own Pope. If this were to happen and be “the conclave,” as he thinks that if he gets out ahead of the rest of the Cardinals, he could elect a “universally peacefully accepted” Pope who could legitimize this action after the fact by imprisoning and excommunication any dissenting Cardinals, then I could see Tim Gordon being elected. I’m not sure what Stephanie Gordon would think about it, though.
The Dimond Brothers are de facto popes over their own sedevacantist sect. They like complaining about the Church, however, so it would likely destroy their current business if either were to become Pope of the Church that they claim is “an entirely different religion.” The Dimonds also like to play basketball, so the Vatican’s current lack of a basketball court might make them less likely to accept the papacy if by some crazy set of circumstances, one of them gets elected.
“Zepp,” a friend of mine who promised to anthematize the pre-Socratic philosophers? I like his theological opinions, but unfortunately, too few people know of him for Zepp to be a likely candidate.
Andrew Parker, FBI Agent, Retired. According to Andrew, a former FBI agent who used to infiltrate TLM Churches, he wants to be elected Pope so that he can go back to infiltrating the Church and make money doing it. Hopefully, the Cardinals are at least smart enough not to be fooled by a guy like him.
Susan From The Parish Council: She has also declared herself to be a candidate, as she claims that her leadership of the parish council and control of everything that goes on in the sacristy is the “perfect resume” and promises that she would “change all that meaningless old tradition” if elected. Hopefully, for obvious reasons, she isn’t elected, but I do fear that she has certain supporters amongst the German delegation of cardinals.
For those who have asked, I’m not running.
What papal name will the next pope take? I’d like a Pius XIII or Dominic I, but I fear that liberals might try to give us a Francis II or Pope Progressive Rainbow I, etc. Likely we’ll get a Benedict XVII or John Paul III, however. For personal reasons, I’m hoping for an Arinze I, Everett I, or James I.
How long will the conclave take? Cardinals are no longer at serious risk of starving and no longer have the pressure of hunger during a conclave, so they might take their time, especially this time around. I’d expect the conclave to last around three or four days. If it lasts longer than two weeks, then we can start worrying.
Is St. Malachi’s Prophecy true, and was Francis the last pope? I guess we’ll soon see, though I have read this convincing argument against the “prophecy.”
How do we deal with committed sedevacantists rubbing it in our faces that they’re right and the “seat is vacant” right now? Ask them how long it will take before they decide that the next Pope isn’t a true Pope. Then ask them why they disagree and will disagree.
How will we know when a Pope has been elected? We’ll know when we see white smoke coming from the chimney of the Vatican instead of black smoke. What happens if we see purple smoke? I guess that means the sedevacantists are right or the German bishops have been having too much fun… How do we tell whether it’s white or black? Smoke is hard to figure out. I guess we just wait and see whether a Pope comes out onto the balcony…
What should we do while we wait for the conclave to start and during it? Pray, hope, and don’t worry.
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And yes, I do call them “friends” even though they are Protestant. I have (informally) debated with her, and her biggest hang-up is Mary, so it would be appropriate to ask for Rosaries from you all for the intention of the conversion of Elizabeth B.